Toddler shreds cash? ‘I’ve never heard of a kid shredding a grand’.
In the early 1980s, the CIA covertly airdropped a pamphlet across the entire country of Nicaragua. It was called the Freedom Fighter’s Manual and, in 15 pages of illustrations that looked vaguely like airplane safety cards, it mapped out all the easy ways that Nicaraguan citizens can help destabilize and eventually overthrow the then-current Marxist government—from leaving sinks running all the time to booby-trapping highways and burning down buildings.
Now, it looks like a small freedom fighter in Salt Lake City has taken a cue from that old CIA manual and hatched his own scheme to tear down our nation’s oppressive capitalist regime… by stealing and shredding $1,000 of his parents’ cash.
According to CBS News, the two-year-old boy came across an envelope with $1,060 in cash that his parents were planning to use to buy some college football tickets—but he had other plans. Presumably seeing his opportunity to do his part to upset the American economy and lodge his protest against the depressing ills of our current society, the young boy swooped into action.
“We realized it was gone the next day and started to search,” the boy’s mom, Jackee Belnap told CBS. “We searched everywhere in our house and could not find it. I have a bin where I put junk mail and any files I want shredded and my son and I shred it when it gets full. I looked through that and then it made me think to look in the shredder.”
And there, in the bin of shredder, were the entire contents of the envelope, fully decimated into a pile of tiny strips. Take that, economy!
“We were silent for about five minutes and just sorted money out and then I broke the silence and said, ‘This will make a great wedding story someday,'” Belnap continued.
Unfortunately, intentionally destroying money isn’t the greatest way to try and destabilize the economy, especially in such small amounts, and Belnap has already been in touch with the US Treasury who promise to exchange the shredded bills for cold, hard cash again, so the two-year-old activist wasn’t particularly successful. But still—as the CIA wrote in the Freedom Fighter’s Manual, every little bit helps.
Thank you for your noble protest, brave young rebel. May you valiantly continue along your noble quest to bring down this rotten, crumbling society from the inside and, God willing, build a better and more just world in its place. At least once your parents are done grounding you for the next ten years or whatever.